Tuesday, February 17, 2009
MOVED.Ask me on msn if you want to know my new blog address ;)
385th post, this blog ends.
4:25 AM
what hurts the most
Monday, February 16, 2009
Lol. I miss 2L, and the people inside it.
Leeni read my blogposts last night. He didn't get offended. Instead, he tried to understand my way of thinking, before slowly refuting my arguments. And he brought down his point on why my theory is not 100% correct, by focusing on the grey areas of life. And next, he brings in his belief, and we both come to consensus that both parties have reasonable theories but some flaws here and there.
I really respect Leeni. You'll go far in life with that attitude man (:
But then again, I'm in 4P. I cannot change that fact. As people change, I must change. One who is not able to adapt to surroundings quickly enough will go extinct. I can no longer have the privillege of free speech and intellectual discussions of that level. I have to be more resilent. I have to be more magnaminous. I have to be more like Leeni, in a sense.
Haiz.
Today wasn't as bad as I thought. Although it was quite obvious that people tried to avoid me, I held my temper. And blasted it on VS xD LOL. Sheesh. I got 4/9 for my math test. It turns out that there are WHAT THE HECK 5 answer marks, and because of my first error, they fail me. That's retarded. RI math papers value ANSWERS over METHOD. Wtf la. VS can't explain ANYTHING for nuts.
Oh well. And physics quiz I got a 9/10. Expected, but definitely not happy. I was careless. I had 10+ 7 more minutes to check and I didn't try to work it out again. I went home to check and found out area does cancel out in the formulas. Haiz. Now I'm one mark behind roys. Dang.
Lol during lunch, Vincent said something funny. I was commenting on how the principal's voice broke since I have never heard a girl zhao xia before. Maybe she had a sore throat or was dehydrated, but uhm... was just quite surprised la. Then Vincent said:
"Girls don't break voices, they break hearts".
Damn cool xD
Anyway. The match today was postponed with 9 minutes left. Dotz. Due to lightning and thunder. Everyone played quite badly again. Yeah, partially it was because of the weather. It was a sunshower, so the entire field became like a sauna. A freaking warm, humid sauna. But nevertheless, we could have run faster than that. We are tougher than that. We siege and destroy. For the championship we'd walk through fire and ice as a team, so why give up now? Common Raffles Hockey Warriors DeathlaZers!
Lol okay dinner, and that's about it for today. Cya!
1:59 AM
what hurts the most
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I feel amused.
Yudder just called me a galileo.
"what you said is true, but it's uncomfortable. So people ostracize you"
I suppose it really is uncomfortable eh.
But thanks Yudder. For thinking about it thoroughly before starting to hate me for whatever I've done.
Nevertheless, I still owe an apology to everyone. Because there are some things that were never meant to be said. The big difference between me and a genius is that a genius knows how to keep his mouth shut. I don't. I still have much to learn.
There is another follow up by Yudder though.
"but i'd like to think that there is at least a part in friendship played by emotion
that u geniunely like the guy, so you hang out with him"
We all need that abstract part of life. For the truth is too painful.
Yudder is wise (:
I don't know why I decided to put up this topic even. Testing the waters of friendship? Releasing the pressure? Hmm.
Ah well. Today.
Was a pretty packed day. I went out for a random lunch. Then went busy bees. Sharon's in the earlier class, wtf? Okay random. Next. I got 36/70 for my compo. PASS!! xD Lol nah it's still bad. But on the good side, I'm writing faster, and my compos are always hitting 1.5k words now. Heheh (:
Oh. And I didn't know that one's fitness potential could be measured o_0. I suppose mine would either be very low or very high, since my oxygen intake has to be super efficient with my sinus around. My nose is like, half blocked all the time lol. But then again, I'm perma fat. =/
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Screw this. I'll have to face the consequences of my actions tmr. Chem lab for period 1. DIE.
4:20 AM
what hurts the most
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I'll do one final closure post on this.
My theory spans from Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin says "Survival of the fit enough". Since the first ecological system has been created, organisms, species all have lived by this rule, and one of the main integral rule behind the theory is that one does not do an action that does not benefit oneself knowingly. Which means, as I said, motive-action must result always in a gain (in one's knowledge). This is a basic biological rule for any species that continue to live on the face of this Earth.
However, with the modernization of society, this evident fact of survival of the fit enough has been clouded by abstract terms, pulled the hood over our eyes. We believe that this kind of thinking is primitive, this kind of thinking is uncivilized, and we who do not believe in this are modern men. However, there are so many traces of it evidently shown around the world. Politicians fire at each other. At work, people vie for the top positions. In school, people fight for the various accolades. Am I not right to say that the basic principles are still living within each of us, deep within our subconscious?
There is no denying that our modern, abstract term of "friendship" has value. It is something worth understanding, something worth caring about. But what I have experienced may have been different from you guys. I have been through so much backstabbing here and there that I have delved deeper on understanding betrayal. And hence, I have come to the conclusion that friendship is merely something that has arisen from Darwin's theory of mutualism. It is another layer of mutualism, with much more complex systems, but then it is still mutualism.
This also means I've been thinking myself as an investment by you guys. Now. Investment. How many of you people out there dare say that your parents are raising you not because you're an investment to them? How many of your parents say that when you grow up, you'll have to take care of them? We, in our subconscious minds, view everyone as investments. Likewise, others view us as investments as well.
To view the world like this was a lot of pain for me. It made me think that humans were no different from animals. All we have done was just to pull abstract terms underneath those defining layers of human society. However, it made sense. It made me understand why everyone did what they did. Whenever I am punished, I know it is because I was not a suitable investment. I did not meet up to expectations. I posed as a threat. And that was also my motivation to continue improving myself so that I was a useful enough investment.
I'll end this post with something everyone should think about.
How many lies are our society built upon?
Why do we seek the truth in our lives, but when we find out the truth, we choose to shun it away?
Is it that hard to accept the fact that life is like this and live normally?
11:16 PM
what hurts the most
Okay Davin. This post solely refutes your arguments, and my apologies for being insensitive. And clarifies further.
Uhm before you read all these, I would like to apologize first, before you try to see the reason in whatever I'm going to say. It never helps when you look at reasoning with a closed heart ><.
You say friends are there to carry out each other's burden. Exactly my point. That is mutualism. You have friends to alleviate your problems. At the same time, you alleviate your friend's problems. That is an exchange. The net loss in this equation is definitely on one side. The only reason why you do not see the loss is because there is firm belief that both sides are having a win-win situation, where in actual fact there can never be one. Benefits are always never equal in a long measure.
You don't have to talk to the RA people. That's where your own personality lies. That is completely irrelevant, since you are a guy who knows you can do it on your own and always try to work it out. But then, if you do not know how to solve some things, do you not ask people who are smarter than you? Isn't that a motive itself?
As I said before, you will never do something that does not have an underlying motive, be it consciously or subconsciously. Donating to charity may seem to be charitable, but your motive may be to alleviate your own guilt for not donating. That, by itself is a motive.
And further more, you sure you've never neglected your friends? Have you ever experienced yourself continually talking to one friend all of a sudden, but as time passes you talk less and less to him/her? That is because you find yourself having less and less purpose to chat with him/her, no? Isn't that another motive-action example?
You can always read up on Darwin's theory of evolution. I got almost half the basis of my idea from there. It fits perfectly.
The thing is, guys, I'm sorry if I've offended you guys by using the word "investment" - I realize it is quite extremist to objectify people, to regard people as individual units. But all I can say is, my thinking of the word investments is very different from you guys. Investments to me are things that are important, and they cannot be neglected. They have to be understood well, they have to be taken care of, they must be acknowledged as an integral part in this conglomeration of life. Investments, to me, are not just objects, but what my life is and probably will depend on in the near future. I cannot do without them.
The reason I use that word is because when I've thought through these topics in sec 2, I was really, really upset. It doesn't help when the people beside you betray you like half the time and then keep smiling at you in class (like some teachers and classmates). It just felt like sometimes when I was needed, I was called up. Otherwise I was just ignored. That was how my entire analogy came about. It gave me a more systematic way to view life, as well as accept how people thought, what they did, and calmed me down. It always helped me when I looked at the big picture. It was a clear way to view life, as compared to an abstract. Remember. People are always seeking to find the order in chaos. So why can't I find the order in my chaotic life? That is the answer I have found.
I'm really sorry to everyone who I have disappointed or upset. But this is how my life has evolved, I have strong beliefs, and I cannot be abstract. I have clearly defined a path of life that has fit perfectly into my calculations, and I have not gone wrong yet. That is where the foundation of my faith comes from. The prediction of human behaviour by observing trends.
Once again, I apologize, but this is my belief. If there's anything you want to blame it on, just blame it on my background. Helps a lot.
Oh yeah, and anon. Define success. I haven't had a single failure with this theory of mine yet. I am not establishing selfishness. As I said, it may seem selfish, but in actual fact it is just however you live your lives, just laid out, stripped bare, with all the abstracts removed and the main infrastructure remaining. And yeah, my apologies to you too.
(Oh and Davin. Some other guy in class thinks almost the same way as me. Would you oust him too?)
Okay anyway, I think I've posted enough of this topic. Now onto today.
THE PIANO AT RGS SUCKS. THE F SHARP KEY TWO OCTAVES FROM THE BOTTOM IS STUCK. -_-" the sound is damn weird, lol.
IYA meeting was draggy. We were late, and it dragged on. I guess my slides weren't prepared that well after all. Hmm.
Okay I think I should really skip whatever happened at vivo. It's... just weird. Lol.
Hmm apart from that,
Happy valentine's day.
6:28 AM
what hurts the most
Friday, February 13, 2009
Lol anyway here's just a clarification of my post yesterday.
I'm not saying that only I do it. Everybody does it subconsciously. Davin, if you don't, then tell me the reason why you avoid from talking to people like Kenneth Lim. It's because he will be more of a burden than help. And the only reason you'll teach him will be because subconsciously, you know that doing so will refresh your memory, and at the same time appear helpful. Lol you may say that you don't do it consciously, but subconsciously you'll do it. We aren't on the top of the food chain by doing things that have no benefit to us you know. Every action must be beneficial, simply speaking a give and return thing.
And it's not a bad thing. Looking at relationships as investments are never bad, since they're true anyway. They're just very direct, something which people like to shun away from. You can keep lying to yourself, but if you can find a situation where you do something not for a return effect, just tell me. I'll refute everything. You can't go against a law of nature that has brought you to where you are today.
Okay anyway, probably will post later. Have to go to RGS to do my stupid IYA presentation now. Cya.
8:08 PM
what hurts the most
Today was a pretty eventful day.
Morning had history test. Was quite okay. I guess. Should be able to 4.0 it.
Then assembly was just fail. I suppose it was entertaining though.
SS was quite okay. The UN are quite an upset, considering the amount of money spent on them.
Philo was just weird. Weird.
Okay. So after school.
Raffles trail for science club. Was pretty much a blast. Super fun lol. The sec 1's damn funny.
Then went for the RJ astro club first meeting.
Lol met aaron and imbas there. Then had the meeting. Then they had introduction. Lol I just said I was sec four. Then everyone laugh. Lol. :D quite amusing actually. Everyone was so serious there.
Okay more importantly, I was looking at the programmes in JC. Saw Huiyao's application sheets. There were so many. And I saw the requirements - sec 3 and 4 results must be submitted. I don't know what to do. I feel disappointed. It's a huge blow. I'm utterly disappointed at myself. How much am I missing out? And how much will I miss out as a result?
Then went back to the trail. (I ponned halfway for the astro thingey) Lol. Tee created an explosion in the lab. First time in my life I've seen an actual explosion lol. He added water to the elephant toothpaste mixture, before adding hydrogen peroxide. Then when the foam was rising, he threw in a lighted splint. Boom. Explosion, and me, Kang and Tee's shirt (lol, tee's shirt) got stained with IODINE. Luckily I managed to quickly wash it off. Lol Jlim told us off for it xD
Basically, how it works is like this. It is the same principle as pouring water on burning wax. When you have a fuel source, and a sufficiently large enough fire, when the fire comes in contact with the water the water will vaporize. In our case, the water which was added rose together with the foam up the tube, and when the lighted splint was thrown down it was ignited by the product oxygen to a bigger flame, and that instantly vaporized the water. When water turns to steam, its volume expands a thousand fold. The oxygen and foam, which were less dense than the water rose up faster than the water and hence, when the water evaporated, was blown out violently. Coupled with the fact that oxygen was on the outer side of the explosion cloud, the whole thing was a fireball. Luckily none of us got burnt. Bad mattie :D
Okay. Uhm and here Gratz to Yudder who got 2nd for 1500m freestyle! Well done la (: And gratz on getting into swimming!
Okay now emo topic.
No, it's not about Vday.
I realize that no matter how hard I try, eventually the only person you can count on in this world is yourself.
Yeah I actually realized this in sec 2. But I've tried so hard to try to accustom myself to others. It's so uncharacteristic of me. But then I get my self esteem lowered, I get used, I get made fun of. It sounds pathetic? Just try. Try and see if you live a life knowing what everyone is thinking, but not knowing to respond to how they think. And if you tell them you know what they're thinking, they get offended. I guess that's something that can never be predicted. I can know all the psychology in the world, but not erratic behavior. It's frustrating, it's killing me.
I don't know how many times I posted this up already (maybe three or four times?) but it's really reiterating in my life. Friends are nothing but investments. When they give you happiness, you keep them. When they piss you off, you just dump them. It's all about how much benefit you gain out of it. It's just that nobody realizes it. You help friends so that they will help you in the future. You help friends so that other people will believe you are kind and caring. Simply put, you never do something without anything in return. It's so blindingly obvious, but everyone chooses to look the other way. Ignorance is bliss. So was the life before the french revolution began.
Oh yeah I got selected to go for emcee training. Like o_0 me an emcee wth?
Okay, now I shall post about Vday. It's weird, but i'll decide to spend my vday this year on the things that are important to me in life now, unlike last year, which was horribly wasted on someone else -_-". Vday is so superficial. What, you mean you love for a day only? Is it an occasion where you decide to let go that burst of emotions and then subside, recede? Please. Spare me. If you truly love someone, you don't love them only on vday. It's just some excuse of a day to hang out with people you like.
Sigh. Everything is piling up on me. But I know I'll make it.
Even if I am alone.
4:08 AM
what hurts the most
